Numb
by Scutellaria Laterifolia
Summary: What were Irvine's thoughts when he was told to shoot his own mother figure? A sonfic during the assasination atempt. Spoilers. Please R&R.


Author's Ramblings: Yes, another story. This one: Just what were Irvine's thoughts when he's told to shoot the woman he knew as a mother figure his whole childhood? Read on to find out. Lyrics are by Disturbed; the song is 'Numb'.  
  
PLEASE R&R!!! I NEED REVIEWS!  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------  
  
"It's in your hands now."  
  
So he had said, and so it was. The rifle felt heavy in my hands and I couldn't grip it right. I didn't know how to describe the sinking feeling I felt. You could try thinking of killing your mother, and then magnify it a few hundred times because this was ACTUALLY happening. I was on a mission, and that mission was to kill Matron. I almost began to laugh insanely. Hell, I was even getting paid for it!  
  
I should just shoot myself now. I can't do this. I can't. I can't. I can't! Matron was always so nice, always so kind. Whenever I had scraped my knees, she bandaged them up, whenever Selphie and I had a fight, she made us realize how pointless it was. That couldn't be Matron. It couldn't be! I defied everything I knew Matron to be.  
  
But it was Matron. She was there, on that float, promising disaster to the whole world and parading around to accepting and cheering crowds. They didn't even hear her speech. They didn't care. But I heard it, and every word broke my heart just a little bit more.  
  
(Bleeding now I'm  
  
Crying out I'm  
  
Falling down and I'm  
  
Feeling nothing like  
  
Laughing now I'm  
  
Stopping now I'm  
  
Reaching out and I'm  
  
Feeling nothing)  
  
When Squall walked over, to comfort me, I presume, he stared at me for a long moment.  
  
He was going to tell me to shoot. He was going to command me to shoot Edea Kramer, my warden in those years, my nurse, my psychiatrist, my mediator, my defender and my mother. He was going to tell me to shoot. I began to hyperventilate. I was going to cry. I was going to crack.  
  
Needless to say, I was ready to shoot myself.  
  
"You okay?" Squall asked.  
  
I threw out some bologna about always getting this way before a fight, how I could go down in history. Hyne, I'd go down in history for killing my own mother figure! I went numb and just sat there, shuddering.  
  
"Just shoot." He said.  
  
"I can't, dammit!" I cried, banging on the floor.  
  
Squall didn't even remember, I could tell. He didn't remember the big white stone building on the beach, with stretches of flower fields. He didn't remember standing outside and calling for Ellone. He didn't remember when Selphie saved her pocket money and bought lip-gloss and then Zell ate it. He didn't remember me, he didn't remember Zell or Seifer or Selphie or Quistis. It was enough to make me want to cry. Or laugh. Or both.  
  
The clock chimed 20:00.  
  
"Just think of it as a signal." Squall said, holding his head in frustration.  
  
"Just a sign." I said to comfort myself. "Just a sign."  
  
(Yeah, you have created a rift within me  
  
Now there have been several complications  
  
That have left me feeling nothing  
  
I might say  
  
You were wrong to take it from me  
  
Left me feeling nothing)  
  
I stared solemnly at Edea, aiming the gun. What if I actually hit her? What if she didn't stop it? I could've muffled the gun slightly, gave less warning, but I made no move to do so. I wanted to give Matron as much warning as possible. I didn't want to shoot at all.  
  
As I crouched there shuddering, I almost turned the gun to my own face. Kill me now. I couldn't do it.  
  
"Hyne help me." I whispered.  
  
I heard the creak of leather. Squall was waiting.  
  
"Just a sign." I said again. It was a steady mantra that I kept saying under my breath. It comforted me that I was allowed to miss, but I had to aim perfect.  
  
"Hurry it up!" Squall hissed.  
  
I grunted. Don't push the madman, now. He might just turn the gun and shoot himself. I stared through the sight at Matron. She looked troubled. Dammit! With an expression that suppressed her true intentions, I couldn't shoot her. But my finger pulled the trigger and I clutched my eyes shut.  
  
(Crawling now I'm  
  
Beaten down I'm  
  
Tortured now and I'm  
  
Feeling nothing like  
  
Hunting now I'm  
  
Stalking now I'm  
  
Reaching out and I'm  
  
Killing nothing)  
  
She stopped it. I let out a sigh of relief, threw the gun down and collapsed down on the floor.  
  
"I'm sorry." I managed to say, in between gasps of relief disguised as gasps of horror.  
  
"Stay here and look after Rinoa." Squall said. "I'm going in myself."  
  
I could barely nod. I waved him off as he ran for Edea. Go ahead, I told myself, feel guilty when I tell you later. Feel guilty when you realize you've just killed Matron.  
  
(I can feel you ripping and teaching  
  
Feeding and growing inside of me  
  
I want this, more than you know  
  
I need this  
  
Give it back to me) 


End file.
